1. "Google Earth is used for the first time to dock someone's dole pay."
2. "Government warns that anyone visiting a prostitute might be found out to be moonlighting the criteria necessary, also, for maintaining their dole AVAILABILITY."
3. "Because operating any machinery, even a light switch, is treated as sufficient proof of UNDECLARED WORK, and by the WILLINGNESS assuming of the SYSTEM'S DETERMINING MECHANISM, Facebook candidates who liked Justin Bieber are also being tagged to like Adolf Hitler; while only those who were detected disengaging Hitler's 'like button' were also targeted for being labelled as 'dole cheats'.
4. "Chimpanzees put themselves forward, recently, for AVAILABILITY for consideration to pass under the title of the human species; this was after noticing a loophole in criteria for a government dole scheme. This is following dolphins, only a short time ago, which have recently become suitable for dry land, by criteria of the same government scheme."
5. "Brad apologises to Angelina after confusion following discovery of Brad's AVAILABILITY to work, under Irish dole criteria. Although this can be proven through an Irish great grandmother, as distant relation, on his first cousin's side, Brad said that he had no particular WILLINGNESS to marry Irish. Under Irish dole scheme guidelines, Brad could yet be adjudged as AVAILABLE for WORK, though whether the relationship might WORK is not yet covered by the scheme. Should the Irish government outsource their representation at the UN as SUITABLE also for spouses, by standards of the scheme, he could do well, nonetheless, to avoid being caught cheating."
6. "Their SUITABILITY as witnesses in hindsight of the Michael Jackson malpractice trial is proven for four Chinese panda bears, today, at Dublin Zoo. This was by an Irish Welfare dole eligibility criterion, though an Irish minister was UNAVAILABLE for comment on the relevance of the usefulness of the scheme. The Irish minister also claimed it was irrelevant, at the time when spoken to, that he was holding a bamboo stick under his arm."
7. "Their AVAILABILITY to be used as under-water weapons is being tested, this week, of swimming monkeys. This is after proving their AVAILABILITY through a set of criteria designed for testing eligibility for Irish dole. A spokesperson for the Irish Government Department running the scheme said there were no such monkeys working at its offices."
8. "Due to a high number of dole recipients also being means-tested for shares in the stock exchange on diamond markets, Ireland is to be included further in The Coalition of the Willing. This is whether or not its Government wishes it to."
9. "Their WILLINGNESS to have gone to war, and thus, it being their own blame, as implication, is proven by Iraqi citizens being tested for Irish dole eligibility. The minister also thanked the stringent application criteria for detecting war-crimes in Afghanistan."
10. "Decided under zoning laws, rather than on a basis of their AVAILABILITY for work, space shuttle missions landings will now not take place on the M50. This comes as the minister has already signed-off on its contract for a dole intervention scheme on Mars. Should any martians be proven to exist, and be AVAILABLE TO WORK, they might, said a government spokesperson, be slaves to the Irish constitutional remit already in force for commanding its sovereign territorial claim at the North Pole."
11. "The minister's AVAILABILITY as a spy, to China, is proven by that she wasn't in her own backyard at the time."
12. "Space monkeys, also known to relate well with dolphins, are feared might contract malaria on their return trip to Earth, as their spacecraft passes over several countries in North Africa before splashdown in The Pacific Ocean, Thursday. A Spokesperson for the recent Government scheme said criteria of AVAILABILITY, used in its initial surveys, prove that the monkeys in question were not up their trees at the time. This means, the spokesperson, also mentioned, that they were therefore AVAILABLE to be contracted for the disease, and so the government are treating it as very serious."
13. "AVAILABILITY for comment is proven by the location of a minister for state, at last. The minister, however was found not to be SUITABLE."
14. "Ex-president Bush was AVAILABLE, today, for comment on cheating the dole system, but not on whether he would judge his counterpart, Obama's landing, from India last week, based solely upon the perspective of spatial reasoning gained through the Irish Welfare System, and its ELIGIBILITY guidelines for approving dole; 'the WILLINGNESS of the Government to contract airline pilots', he said, 'whether this means that outsourcing them must come first, or not, or, on an ongoing basis, to find paid positions under state, or over it, is more important, a topic, considered under conditions of free market enterprise'."
15. “For the four days which passed while astronauts were on moon, AVAILABILITY to contract malaria was outsourced to the North Koreans. This was rewarded for proving ELIGIBILITY to contract, by a criterion of an Irish dole scheme. Irish government spokespersons were unwilling to comment on the significance of the powers in question."
16. "Cause and effect is proven, this week, by scientists, to incorporate a chain of fools. This is after governments are observed, in a Theatre of the Absurd, to be ruling to the whims of a macro-determinacy, concerning nominal monetary prices, instead of with common sense. Mismanagement of a baseline in a market for ignorance, borne out by statistical absurdity, shows what one commentator described as a cause of 'plain-chant hymns' seeming remarkably prayer-like to be going on, in some market rates. 'Its like bandits and thieves have taken over the Temple of the Angels in the City of God', he remarked, remaining surprisingly nonchalant about the implications of what he was saying. Though this divine “music of the market” is thought to originate in an ephemeral realm, its physical manifestations are felt to be persistent without relent, describable only - by what he termed - as effects of what are, 'foreign disease-causing-microbes', becoming AVAILABLE in Irish airspace. 'These friendly-fire bacteria are observable using citizens as human shields', he said, 'not as changing proportionately or commensurately with any propaganda tool the War on Terror can throw at us, or any other war for that matter...besides, maybe, the music used in some commercially branded toiletries and cosmetics advertisements.' He considered this understandable, referring to the moral stake in human affairs of heresy, down throughout the ages, but, rather, instead, advised of threats exist relating diminutively with governance by a 'force of stupidity' to be more likely merely the cause of halitosis in the small numbers of those that are affected physically. Besides this, the intricacy of the causal chain unearths itself as simply attributable to an immoral claim upon any sovereign right to rule to begin with. 'This is typical of conditions of a media state which are also peculiarly oppressive', the spokesperson for the Irish Entomological Association, said, as he remarked also that, as he was 'without any papers' he could not so prove that such AVAILABILITY was not primarily contracted, instead, to the whims of a Colonel Gaddafi's attempt to oust foreign rule, as originally, this source, at least, might have feared, was the obvious and more likely basis for what was observed going on."
17. "The freedom of mobility of outsourced flea circus insects is being interfered with by Irish Dole scheme Chiefs, though this is not connected to a fearful bid to regulate their AVAILABILITY to be contracted as Lilliputian slaves. In a cut-throat diamond-market revenge-style plot, which unfurled under the scheme's GUIDELINES, the same insects were reputed to have promised to haunt zones of Irish dole recipiency, if not fed the right foodstuff, and not kept at the appropriate temperatures. While, unless Irish government spokespersons can assure us differently, said an insider, only those insects which are not proven AVAILABLE for work will not contain malaria. The commentator then remarked, 'the market for information concerning Government Welfare schemes seems unsure what to do next'."
18. "Unless the mosquito can prove ELIGIBILITY, by simple STANDARDS of not being on the right continent, to be responsible for the causing of any disease, then it is 'safe to say' that one can also eat tomatoes from any such 'concerning foreign territory', says a minister, continuing, 'as long as it is by government offices reporting such concerns, to be believed as accurate, then I would agree that you think that to be the case'."
19. "Contracts for growing bananas go to spiders, as, having more limbs, they are assumed also to have, AVAILABILITY for more hands. This is according to means tests based upon ELIGIBILITY criteria in Irish Dole schemes. A minister for state in the Department in question replied 'no comment' when asked if this is reflects how things in the 21st century are assumed might work, when no-one is looking."
20. "Suspicion grows, lately, of the AVAILABILITY of a strain of the Ebola virus, to contract itself to a form threatening human victims. This comes after a discovery, in an Irish Dole Office, of mould growing over some perishable goods, found in the belongings of a dole recipient. The goods were detected while the recipient was queuing, and contained a bug which was found in a lunchbox he was carrying, proving, a Spokesperson claimed, under a criterion of AVAILABILITY, also their ELIGIBILITY to work. 'He could have been working as a terrorist', claimed the government spokesperson."
21. "An ordinary worker feels his job is threatened as proof arose of his leaving the county on one of his days off, for the purposes of holiday-making. The self-employed worker was found to have given himself the holiday, and thus was also deducted EUR 44 in his claim for self-employment allowance under a welfare scheme brought in to encourage initiative amongst the workforce. 'These people don't know what they are doing', remarked an official in the Department."
22. "An Irish Government department office today announced it will not decide its daily rota by swapping remits for times and schedules of Dole Office workers with standby airline passengers from Hongkong, or even randomly, as some had preferred the strategy of. A spokesperson denied that this might be as the roster was outsourced at late notice, and added a vehement denial that any hand-to-hand combat or 'any other contact' was assuming of the contract in question. The physics of spatial reasoning is a very important issue, the spokesperson, added, before doing a backflip and leaving the interview area."
23. "Considering conditions of interpretation of AVAILABILITY criteria for Job-seekers Allowance, a wealthy businessman, today, indicated his uncertainty, and said that he denies any knowledge of why Irish dole offices might soon be reported as having outsourced their workers from behind glass windows to a fictional bank on its lunch-break in Las Vegas. He also declined to comment on when he thinks further opportunities for convenient and timely scheduled work might arise."
24. "A Government schedule for the minister's jet is to be decided by coordinating it with feeding times of panda bears in a Chinese zoo. A Government chief whip had to change flight plans, last week, after nutritionists for the panda bears reported a change in their preferred foodstuff."
